Memories,
they slowly slip by
and your not one of them
your all of them

And every smile
that illuminates each one
means nothing
if I haven't seen the real thing in months

You'll never know each tear
each smile
I would have given for you
for us

How much pain
can be in a simple name
spoken from innocent lips
until there is no breath left

One day I'll ask you to define broken
I'll ask you to dissect yourself
"unrequited love", I'll say
"is the hardest love to give away"
so what have you given up,
what have I given up
everything.

you smell like alcohol and forgiveness
and it doesn't even faze me
because it's freezing in this room
my head is kinda hazy
and the hand that's on my waist
has comfort written all over it
I know this might be wrong
but it's all that I've got left
I can taste it on my lips
the memory of this situation
now your hands are on my hips
but I know that you're just faking
Your month long leave of absence
it feels so long ago
and I just want to leave this bed
get up and go
what you want from me is too much to ask
is too much to forgive
and I'm getting over this
getting ready to live
without your expectations
without your foolish lies
but my head is kinda hazy
and it doesn't even faze me
how I can't seem to say goodbye.

I want to be destroyed
But not so much it kills me
I want to be loved
But not so much I depend on it
I want to be envied
But not so much that I feel fake
I want to be forgiven
But not so much I become flawless
I want to be forgotten
But not so much that I'm not there
I want to be set free
But not so much I have no boundaries
I want to be high
But not so much I crash and burn
I want to fly
But not so much my wings melt away
I want to breathe
But not so much I suffocate
I need to live
Just enough to get by
---------------
When flying feels like falling
And sleeping never comes
Just look up to the stars
And wish that you were one
To live your life bright
And be marveled in the end
Too bad society took away
Our ability to pretend
Look around your world
And realize we are all at fault
That the star that you wanted to be
Is weighted down by asphalt
You cannot fly without falling
Because buildings litter the sky
And you cannot sleep without locked doors
For fear that you will die
We have only one life to live
One star to protect
So shelter it with all you have
It is all that you have left
-------------------
love a walking corpse
A zombie I suppose
He only comes after death
His love tends to decompose
I love a walking corpse
A vampire I confess
He makes me bleed dry
His love leaves a mess
I love a walking corpse
A ghost you could say
He only comes at night
His love stays until the day
I loved a human boy
Before he was laid to rest
And found that boys without hearts
Are really for the best
--------------

I'm going to plant a flower
In a place where nothing grows
I will nurture it and love it
And hope that the water flows
I will plant a flower
In my backyard
A desolate garden
That is barren and scarred
I will plant a flower
Under a tree
And maybe the shade
Will leave the flower be
I will plant a flower
Over a tombstone that read
"I planted a flower in your heart,
The flower is now dead"
-----------------
I am the face in the mirror, Only Not
I am the voice in your ears, Only Not
I am the touch on your fingertips, Only Not
I am me
Only Not
------------
The most precious things in life
Are the most fragile things in life
And the most memorable times
Are the hardest to hold on to
And the softest words spoken
Make the loudest impact on society
And a little bit of love
Can change the world
--------------
I miss the light
the way it would catch your eyes
making them sparkle just for me
And fill me with such joy I thought I would implode
I miss the sun and
The warm breeze it would bring
untangling my thoughts and all of my doubts
I miss the color of your hair
And how it would shine just right when we sat alone
No worries in the world
Just us
I miss your touch
and the way it made me feel safe
the way It made me feel alive
I miss your laugh
How it could cheer me up
No matter if my world was crashing down
But most of all
I miss you
And everything we used to be
-------------
This has been building
Like a beast in waiting
Its torn itself out of me
This has been killing
Like a serial killer on the lose
And I don't know if his jealousy or my scars
are what contribute to destroying us the most.
And I dont know if I'm holding on
Or if I'm afraid of letting go
------------
This vengeance
This hate
I want to forget it
I want to see it grow inside of me
Everytime I see you
Im torn
These two sides of me
That only you can bring out
Beauty
Pain
I want it to be gone
I want it to stay
I dont want to be
the only one who can see
the beauty in this destruction.
--------------
And this disease that is me
has slowly taken its hold
I cant eat I cant sleep
Without feeling so alone
Distanced Isolated
From myself, from everyone around
I have no home
I have no hope
Life has become a routine
that I rarely follow anymore
I barely recognize the look in the mirror
The person I have become is never who I wanted to be
Cure this disease that is me
Give me a reason
To be clean
To love
To believe
To cherish all I am given
To live life
Once again
---------------
If I told you my heart beats for only you
Would you leave the world behind
That every second I see your face
It makes me feel complete inside
And all the times I see you with someone else
It completely kills me
That You make me a better person
make me want to change myself
If I told you I was willing to take
every ounce of heartache
For just a second of you
And me
If I said you were everything
Would you realize
I Always fix what you break.
Because I love you
--------------
Im a machine
rusted and broken down
you cant fix me
my parts are just laying around
Im a machine
Forgetten and alone
destroy me
you have no use for me now
Im a machine
I have no feelings at all
Im just a heartless machine
So let me fall
---------
We say this is over
Before its barely begun
And I keep finding reasons
In the barrel of this gun
They say friends are forever
Forever ended yesterday
Though its hard to move on
I know you wont stay
I find disappointment
In knowing you didnt choose me
But I wont ever give in
This is not my apology
Keep your friends close
Your enemies closer
You should know
You were always closest to me
-----------
Would it really hurt that much to let me in
Let me lose myself in your eyes

those eyes that only shine for her

And for once hold me as if I will break
Hold me forever

Because sometimes I wake up
and all that gets me going is you
These dreams I make up
show me what I'll never have

I wish this game of cat and mouse
would end right now

Because its never alright
to sleep alone
dreaming of sleeping
next to you

Its never alright that the whole world stops
For five minutes of forced smiles and awkward hugs
Just to run away when she turns the corner

Its never alright to make me choose
between waking up to hate you
or falling asleep in love

and spending each day wanting what I can never have
-------------

Gosh where do I even start
Well that guy I liked
The one with a gf
He asked me out
That didn't go so well
I mean I didn't expect it to
Maybe that was my first mistake
I'm still not over it
But that's normal for me

School is over
It has been for a while
I miss it
I miss my friends
Everyone is growing apart
It sucks

Michigan
I don't think I want to spend my life here
I'm thinking about moving to the UK
It's so pretty there
I'll deal with the rain
I want to learn Japanese
and maybe spend a year over there
I want to make something out of my life
and prove to my parents I'm not a failure
Make them proud again
I want to be happy
It's alot to ask for

I'm feeling lonely
It's to be expected with me
I don't know where my place is
I just want someone to hold me you know
Make me feel special
Like HE did
I want a guy with a beard
They are my new obsession
Thanks Jon Walker!

All in all I think I'm doing pretty good
Junior year here I come
Hopefully it won't end up like freshman and sophmore year
>.<

I guess I'll end my rant here
Since no one ever reads this

-Amanda-

So lets see whats new
Well not much
Life still sucks to the Nth degree
Started drivers training
Was switched out by my parents because my friends were in it
So now I get to take it alone next month
My parents know how I react around people I don't know
They know that I will freak out
It's not my fault I get anxiety
It's mostly theirs
Not my mom that much
But definately my dad
I think he gets enjoyment from seeing me fucking break
Thats how I feel
Broken
I have to leave my friends this summer
They are the only real family I have
I have to leave Michigan and no matter how much I complain about this state its still home
Tennessee
Oh how I loath you
Yeah it will be great to see my Nana and Papa but I'm being sent for punishment
I wont have access to anything
Warped Tour with Rachee and Lindsay is most likely off
Since I wont be here for the date
I cant help but feel as if I am letting everyone down
I need to get my grades up
I need to get into a good college
I need to be a better daughter
A better older sister
A better friend
I feel like I'm failing at life
I feel like another fucking teen statistic
And I hate it

So since no one I really know has a LJ I can write what I want here

To start off life is really shitty
Im failing school
Home sucks
The only thing keeping me sane is Friends and Music

I like a guy
He likes me back
He had a girlfriend
They broke up
I find myself waiting for him to ask me out
It's only been a day but I get disappointed everytime I talk to him and he doesnt ask
I guess I am being selfish
I dont know
I just want to be happy for once

blah there are so many thoughts in my head
Its hard to comprehend
I'll have to figure it out alone
Like always

HI! finally figured this crap out lol so yeah im new basically joined because everyone else had one i know im such a follower i like friends dont be afraid to talk to me well tata for now